Dear Red States:
So long, Red States – It’s Been Fun
We’re leaving. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of United Blue States of America. To sum up: You get Texas, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Georgia, W. Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, Lousiana, Idaho, Montana, and the Dakotas. We get Hawaii, California, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the Eastern Seaboard from Maine to North Carolina, and Florida. You get Utah and Arizona, we get New Mexico and Colorado. You get most of Nebraska, but we get Omeha and Warren Buffett. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty, New York’s Museum of Natural History, and the Smithsonian. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Dell and WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to pay your fair share. We get Hawaii. You get Alaska. You get Sarah Palin and Brittney Spears. We get the Dixie Chicks – they’re moving to Virginia – Cyndie Lauper, Blondie, and Sheryl Crow. We also get Jimmy Buffet, the remaining members of the Grateful Dead, Brian Wilson, Willie Nelson, Bob Dylan, Paul Simon, and, of course, Bruce Springsteen.
Since he moved to New York with Hillary, we get Bill Clinton. And we want Al Gore. You can have Rudy Guiliani.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that we are pro-choice and anti-war; we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire. With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Ted Haggert, Hannity and Combs, Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, the whole Fox News team, and Bob Jones University. We get Comedy Central, HBO, Hollywood and Saturday Night Live.
Additionally, 38 percent of you believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale then regurgitated, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is a theory but creationism is a science, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then us.
We’re taking the wine and the good weed. You can have moonshine and that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out and Hasta La Vista, Baby
** This is hysterical. However, I did not write it. **