Monthly Archives: May 2011

Republican field narrows in the 2012 Race to Lose to Obama

The loss of Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump leaves Republicans Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, Michelle Bachmann, Chris Christie, Herman Cain, and Ron Paul in the race to lose to Obama. On the Democratic side, Russ Feingold has indicated that he will challenge President Obama. Dennis Kuchinich is also said to be contemplating a run for the White House. Martha Coakley, who recently lost her bid to represent Massachusetts in the United States Senate, is also planning on registering as a candidate. She is not, however, planning on running an actual campaign.
The Democrats are planning Primary Debates in the historic Fraunces Tavern, in New York City, and the Green Dragon Tavern, in Boston, Mass. These are symbolic: a victorious General George Washingon said farewell to his troops, at Fraunces Tavern, and was inaugurated a block or two north, on the balcony of Federal Hall, on the Corner of Wall and Broad Streets, in 1789. (click). John Adams, Sam Adams, Paul Revere, and other Sons of Liberty ate, drank, and planned the Revolution at the Green Dragon. Before, after, or during their debates, someone, somewhere will say, “A black man, a Jew and a Pollack walk into a bar. The bartender asks ‘What’ll ya have?’ The African American says ‘Oval Office, straight up.’ The bartender replies ‘It’s on the rocks.’ The Jew and the Pollack say ‘We’ll have what he’s having.’ The bartender says, ‘I can only serve one every four years, and he has dibs.’ “

In a move that may disappoint social Conservatives, Mike Huckabee, Republican Governor turned Fox News commentator / entertainer announced that he is not running against President Obama in 2012. “I lost to McCain in 2008, I don’t want to lose to Obama in 2012. Maybe I’ll run in 2016. I should be able to beat Biden. And I’m making $2 Million at Fox. Why give that up?” Like most of the Republicans, he spends most of his time pandering to the far right and groveling to would-be kingmakers. But when he is candid and honest; he’s refreshing and almost charismatic. Like Pres. Reagan, who raised taxes 11 times over the course of his Presidency, Huckabee, as Arkansas’ Governor, raised taxes to pay for schools. He also referred to the “Club of Growth” as the “Club of Greed.” Conservative kingmaker Grover Norquist seeks to apply to the United States the “Starve the Beast” tactic, a variation of the “Feed it till it Bursts” tactic Reagan applied to the Soviet Union. This has resulted in a terrible loss of infrastructure in the United States as our roads are full of potholes, bridges are crumbling, schools are declining and as the Europeans, and Chinese are pulling ahead in manufacturing, solar power, wind power, and railroads.
Donald “The Donald” Trump, the real estate mogul from New York City, in a move that was sure to disappoint comedians, also bowed out of the race. Despite giving more support to Democrats than Republicans while George Bush was President and Republicans had a majority in both the House and the Senate, Trump was talking about running as a Republican and was proud of his major accomplishments: inheriting a fortune, going bankrupt once or twice, marrying three models, divorcing two, firing people on television, hiring people to write trivial books about Donald Trump, and demanding that President Obama ask Hawaiian authorities to release his birth certificate. As profoundly important as these accomplishments may be, “The Donald” appears to believe that he was trumped by the President’s recent accomplishment – authorizing the successful “Capture or Kill” mission against Osama bin Laden, which resulted in bin Laden’s death and the capture of a treasure trove of information, albeit with the loss of one American helicopter. Trump will return to what he does best, firing people and boasting.

Disappointing both her supporters and the comedians, Sarah Palin has been strangely quiet. This is particularly upsetting to Tina Fey and the writers and producers of Saturday Night Live. Palin’s last known public statement, that former President Bush deserves credit for the mission President Obama authorized that killed bin Laden, can only be described as a “gift” to comedians and “baffling” to rational people.

That leaves Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, Michelle Bachmann, Chris Christie, Herman Cain, and Ron Paul.
Newt Gingrich, the 69 year old former Congressman, college professor, and intellectual, who married and divorced as often as Trump, but who did not marry models, is eminently qualified to work with John Boehner and Paul Ryan as they work to end Medicare, privatize Social Security, and dismantle the government. Gingrich is committed to, as Seth Meyers put it, “stop using my tax dollars to take care of me.” As the force behind the 1994 “Contract On America,” Gingrich is credited with shutting down the U. S. government, and helping Bill Clinton’s 1996 re-election. Maybe Gingrich’s real goal is to help Obama win re-election and thereby pave the way for a Republican to lose a challenge to Joe Biden in 2016. Gingrich, who began his campaign with a Twitter note and a Youtube video, wants to hook up with young people. Depending on the age of the young people he hooks up with, Gingrich could be looking at charges of statutory rape, or just being creepy.

However, by describing the Paul Ryan budget as “Radical” and “Right wing social engineering” Gingrich, while telling the truth, may have shot his campaign in the foot. (click). What the Republican and Tea Party rank and file seem to have just found out, is that the people funding the GOP and the Tea Party LIKE Radical right wing social engineering.
Mitt Romney, the former governor of Massachusetts, looks to this self-styled pundit as the putative Republican front-runner in the campaign to lose the election of 2012. While Romney opposed the Cape Wind offshore wind farm that will generate electricity without pollution, he can honestly be credited with passing the Massachusetts Health Care Plan, also known as Obama-Care 1.0. (click). Voters, however, will have to ask themselves “why elect a moderately liberal Republican like Romney when they can elect a moderately liberal Democrat like Obama.
Tim Hosni Pawlenty is an American of Polish and German, not middle-eastern origin. While he can count on the support of Hosni Mubarek, and Republicans of middle eastern-origin, he probably cannot count on the support of Democrats or independents of middle-eastern origin.
Michelle Bachmann, stepping in to fill the void left by Sarah Palin, aspires to be the next hot middle aged babe on the Republican ticket. It really doesn’t matter what she says, as long as she smiles appropriately. This is terrific news for Saturday Night Live. Sources tell us that Kristen Weig is rehearsing echoing platitudes, staring into space and looking away from the camera.

Disappointing Republicans, Democrats, Independents, and Progressives in New Jersey, Chris Christie is steadfast and adamant that he is not running, yet. “I wish he’d run,” said a gay, Vegan, tree-hugging community organizer, on the condition of anonymity, “it would limit the damage he’d do here in Jersey.”
Herman Cain, the Pizza Guy, one of about 1.1 million African Americans in the 55 million strong Republican Party, said, “Hey, I know I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of beating Obama. And I don’t know if I want to. He’s doing a good job, and all those black kids look up to him. But can you imagine how many pizzas I’m gonna sell with this? Do you have any idea of the Return On Investment of this ‘candidacy’? Man, it’s huge. Huge! And I’m talking to Murdoch about my own reality show. We’ll call it ‘Pizza Man’ or ‘President? or Pizza Man?’ or Pizza Man President! I’ll get Eddie Murphy to play me.
Ron Paul, the uncompromising libertarian physician turned Congressman, who’s medical practice was devoted to Medicare patients, wants to legalize all drugs, including marijuana, cocaine, LSD and heroin, and eliminate all government programs, including education, research, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, NASA, NOAA, the ATF, the IRS, the CIA, the NSA, the FBI, and the Defense Department. “Fergit the 1950’s, we need to return to the 1850’s,” he said. When it was pointed out that the US in 1850 had about 23 million people, and about 3.2 million were slaves, the wiley Texan said “Yep, so, what’s yer point? I mean, we’re all slaves to our hearts and our debts.”

Copyright © 2011. Larry “XB Cold Fingers” Furman. This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to the facts is tragic, or hilarious. I report. Or I make it up. You decide.

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Filed under Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Paul Ryan, Ron Paul

Bin Laden. 2 Bullets. No Photos.

By XB Cold Fingers.

New York, May 5, 2011. President Obama decided that the U. S. will not release photos of bin Laden. “However,” the President said, “we will release the Death Certificate, and the Long Form Death Certificate.”

Donald Trump could not be reached for comment.

“We’ll get the photos,” said Julian Assange, of Wikileaks, “even if we need to use ‘Photoshop.'”

“Conspiracy theorists,” Assange continued, “are free to use ‘Photoshop’ to create their own photos. Other conspiracy theorists are free to use audio and video editing systems to create fake recorded messages from Osama ‘proving’ that bin Laden is still alive. Wilileaks will pay for any legitimate looking ‘proof.’ “

The Pakistan government has joined Wikileaks and is preparing a Request for Proposal for the best “proof” that the May 1, 2011 commando raid by US Navy Seals was either:

A) In Afganistan, 35 miles from Kabul, not in Pakistan, 35 miles from Islamabad and down the road from the Pakistani military academy,
B) Carried out by Pakistani authorities against Indian terrorists living in Pakistan,
C) Carried out by Israeli agents against Hamas and in Gaza,
D) Carried out by Hamas and Hezbollah against Zionists living in Pakistan,
E) Carried out by the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society against Japanese whalers, or
F) All of the above.

Budget conscious Representative Paul Ryan complained about the cost of the mission. “Bin Laden,” he said, “was shot twice. Did we need to use two rounds? Wasn’t that twice the ammunition needed? Wasn’t that a 50% waste of resources? And we lost a helicopter. Does the President know how much those cost? Why wasn’t this job outsourced to the lowest bidder in China or India?”

Speaking from the campaign trail, the cost-conscious isolationist libertarian doctor Representative Ron Paul said “Eight years ago Pres. Bush said ‘Mission Accomplished.’ What did Obama hope to prove?”

Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann, who hopes to be the first Republican Cougar running for President, echoed Rep. Paul, adding “In 2005 Pres. Bush shuttered the CIA’s hunt for Bin Laden and shifted efforts to Iraq, and he got Saddam. What does Obama hope to accomplish?”

Sarah Palin, the community organizer who quit her job as Governor of Alaska to focus on her “work” as a microblogger on Twitter and Facebook, said “How’s that hopey changey thing working out for you?”

Charles Koch, the billionaire who ‘secretly’ funds the Tea Party, and foots much of the bill for Palin’s $1.0 million a year in appearance fees and wardrobe upgrades said “Obama had to say ‘Yea’ or ‘Nay.’ What did he actually do?”

In their statemens Ron Paul, Michelle Bachmann, and Sarah Palin made reference to the observation that Obama presents America and the world with an optimistic agenda, one of hope. And Koch, while his radical political agenda is at odds with that of the President, did credit Obama with the decision to send the Navy Seals on this mission.

Saudi Prince Alaweed bin Talel, a major stockholder of News Corp, the parent of Fox News, the Wall St. Journal, and the New York Post commented privately, saying “Osama bin Laden may have made some mistakes, he may have been was a wayward son of the kingdom, but he was a subject of the House of Saud who was brutally murdered by the Americans. The King will not forget this slight.”

Pakistan’s former President Pervez Musharraf, who resigned his position in 2008 after allegations of corruption, and who, as a young man, studied in the military academy in Abbottabad a few blocks from bin Laden’s palatial hideout said “Pakistani intelligence was either duplicitous or incompetent, probably incompetent.” Musharraf should know – he was President of Pakistan when bin Laden moved in to the Abbattabad hideout.

Former President George W. Bush, speaking to Former Defense Secretary Donald “The Other Donald” Rumsfeld, Former Vice President Dick Cheney, Former National Security Advisor Condaleeza Rice, and former advisor Karl Rove said “I told you we should have gotten him. But you didn’t listen to me. And I was ‘the Decider.’ ” Rice said “you decided to agree with what we told you, that the Mission was Accomplished.” Rove said “I was your brains, remember?” Rumsfeld said “the outcome has proven to be one of those things that was known to be unknowable.” Cheney, in an undisclosed location, could not be reached for comment. He is believed to be looking for a lawyer to shoot.

* Copyright (c) 2011, XB ColdFingers. This is a work of satire. The only facts known to the author are:
A) On May 1, 2011, Osama bin Laden was killed, shot twice by American Navy Seals on a covert capture or kill mission.
B) The  mission was authorized by President Obama.
C) A helicopter was lost in the mission.
D) In 2005, the CIA turned its attention away from bin Laden.‬
E) The bit on Musharraf, while funny, is not an exaggeration.
F) The bit on Koch, while not funny, is not an exaggeration.

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Filed under Bin Laden, Bush, Obama