New York, May 5, 2011. President Obama decided that the U. S. will not release photos of bin Laden. “However,” the President said, “we will release the Death Certificate, and the Long Form Death Certificate.”
Donald Trump could not be reached for comment.
“We’ll get the photos,” said Julian Assange, of Wikileaks, “even if we need to use ‘Photoshop.'”
“Conspiracy theorists,” Assange continued, “are free to use ‘Photoshop’ to create their own photos. Other conspiracy theorists are free to use audio and video editing systems to create fake recorded messages from Osama ‘proving’ that bin Laden is still alive. Wilileaks will pay for any legitimate looking ‘proof.’ “
The Pakistan government has joined Wikileaks and is preparing a Request for Proposal for the best “proof” that the May 1, 2011 commando raid by US Navy Seals was either:
A) In Afganistan, 35 miles from Kabul, not in Pakistan, 35 miles from Islamabad and down the road from the Pakistani military academy,
B) Carried out by Pakistani authorities against Indian terrorists living in Pakistan,
C) Carried out by Israeli agents against Hamas and in Gaza,
D) Carried out by Hamas and Hezbollah against Zionists living in Pakistan,
E) Carried out by the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society against Japanese whalers, or
F) All of the above.
Budget conscious Representative Paul Ryan complained about the cost of the mission. “Bin Laden,” he said, “was shot twice. Did we need to use two rounds? Wasn’t that twice the ammunition needed? Wasn’t that a 50% waste of resources? And we lost a helicopter. Does the President know how much those cost? Why wasn’t this job outsourced to the lowest bidder in China or India?”
Speaking from the campaign trail, the cost-conscious isolationist libertarian doctor Representative Ron Paul said “Eight years ago Pres. Bush said ‘Mission Accomplished.’ What did Obama hope to prove?”
Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann, who hopes to be the first Republican Cougar running for President, echoed Rep. Paul, adding “In 2005 Pres. Bush shuttered the CIA’s hunt for Bin Laden and shifted efforts to Iraq, and he got Saddam. What does Obama hope to accomplish?”
Sarah Palin, the community organizer who quit her job as Governor of Alaska to focus on her “work” as a microblogger on Twitter and Facebook, said “How’s that hopey changey thing working out for you?”
Charles Koch, the billionaire who ‘secretly’ funds the Tea Party, and foots much of the bill for Palin’s $1.0 million a year in appearance fees and wardrobe upgrades said “Obama had to say ‘Yea’ or ‘Nay.’ What did he actually do?”
In their statemens Ron Paul, Michelle Bachmann, and Sarah Palin made reference to the observation that Obama presents America and the world with an optimistic agenda, one of hope. And Koch, while his radical political agenda is at odds with that of the President, did credit Obama with the decision to send the Navy Seals on this mission.
Saudi Prince Alaweed bin Talel, a major stockholder of News Corp, the parent of Fox News, the Wall St. Journal, and the New York Post commented privately, saying “Osama bin Laden may have made some mistakes, he may have been was a wayward son of the kingdom, but he was a subject of the House of Saud who was brutally murdered by the Americans. The King will not forget this slight.”
Pakistan’s former President Pervez Musharraf, who resigned his position in 2008 after allegations of corruption, and who, as a young man, studied in the military academy in Abbottabad a few blocks from bin Laden’s palatial hideout said “Pakistani intelligence was either duplicitous or incompetent, probably incompetent.” Musharraf should know – he was President of Pakistan when bin Laden moved in to the Abbattabad hideout.
Former President George W. Bush, speaking to Former Defense Secretary Donald “The Other Donald” Rumsfeld, Former Vice President Dick Cheney, Former National Security Advisor Condaleeza Rice, and former advisor Karl Rove said “I told you we should have gotten him. But you didn’t listen to me. And I was ‘the Decider.’ ” Rice said “you decided to agree with what we told you, that the Mission was Accomplished.” Rove said “I was your brains, remember?” Rumsfeld said “the outcome has proven to be one of those things that was known to be unknowable.” Cheney, in an undisclosed location, could not be reached for comment. He is believed to be looking for a lawyer to shoot.
* Copyright (c) 2011, XB ColdFingers. This is a work of satire. The only facts known to the author are:
A) On May 1, 2011, Osama bin Laden was killed, shot twice by American Navy Seals on a covert capture or kill mission.
B) The mission was authorized by President Obama.
C) A helicopter was lost in the mission.
D) In 2005, the CIA turned its attention away from bin Laden.
E) The bit on Musharraf, while funny, is not an exaggeration.
F) The bit on Koch, while not funny, is not an exaggeration.