Category Archives: Bin Laden

Bin Laden. 2 Bullets. No Photos.

By XB Cold Fingers.

New York, May 5, 2011. President Obama decided that the U. S. will not release photos of bin Laden. “However,” the President said, “we will release the Death Certificate, and the Long Form Death Certificate.”

Donald Trump could not be reached for comment.

“We’ll get the photos,” said Julian Assange, of Wikileaks, “even if we need to use ‘Photoshop.'”

“Conspiracy theorists,” Assange continued, “are free to use ‘Photoshop’ to create their own photos. Other conspiracy theorists are free to use audio and video editing systems to create fake recorded messages from Osama ‘proving’ that bin Laden is still alive. Wilileaks will pay for any legitimate looking ‘proof.’ “

The Pakistan government has joined Wikileaks and is preparing a Request for Proposal for the best “proof” that the May 1, 2011 commando raid by US Navy Seals was either:

A) In Afganistan, 35 miles from Kabul, not in Pakistan, 35 miles from Islamabad and down the road from the Pakistani military academy,
B) Carried out by Pakistani authorities against Indian terrorists living in Pakistan,
C) Carried out by Israeli agents against Hamas and in Gaza,
D) Carried out by Hamas and Hezbollah against Zionists living in Pakistan,
E) Carried out by the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society against Japanese whalers, or
F) All of the above.

Budget conscious Representative Paul Ryan complained about the cost of the mission. “Bin Laden,” he said, “was shot twice. Did we need to use two rounds? Wasn’t that twice the ammunition needed? Wasn’t that a 50% waste of resources? And we lost a helicopter. Does the President know how much those cost? Why wasn’t this job outsourced to the lowest bidder in China or India?”

Speaking from the campaign trail, the cost-conscious isolationist libertarian doctor Representative Ron Paul said “Eight years ago Pres. Bush said ‘Mission Accomplished.’ What did Obama hope to prove?”

Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann, who hopes to be the first Republican Cougar running for President, echoed Rep. Paul, adding “In 2005 Pres. Bush shuttered the CIA’s hunt for Bin Laden and shifted efforts to Iraq, and he got Saddam. What does Obama hope to accomplish?”

Sarah Palin, the community organizer who quit her job as Governor of Alaska to focus on her “work” as a microblogger on Twitter and Facebook, said “How’s that hopey changey thing working out for you?”

Charles Koch, the billionaire who ‘secretly’ funds the Tea Party, and foots much of the bill for Palin’s $1.0 million a year in appearance fees and wardrobe upgrades said “Obama had to say ‘Yea’ or ‘Nay.’ What did he actually do?”

In their statemens Ron Paul, Michelle Bachmann, and Sarah Palin made reference to the observation that Obama presents America and the world with an optimistic agenda, one of hope. And Koch, while his radical political agenda is at odds with that of the President, did credit Obama with the decision to send the Navy Seals on this mission.

Saudi Prince Alaweed bin Talel, a major stockholder of News Corp, the parent of Fox News, the Wall St. Journal, and the New York Post commented privately, saying “Osama bin Laden may have made some mistakes, he may have been was a wayward son of the kingdom, but he was a subject of the House of Saud who was brutally murdered by the Americans. The King will not forget this slight.”

Pakistan’s former President Pervez Musharraf, who resigned his position in 2008 after allegations of corruption, and who, as a young man, studied in the military academy in Abbottabad a few blocks from bin Laden’s palatial hideout said “Pakistani intelligence was either duplicitous or incompetent, probably incompetent.” Musharraf should know – he was President of Pakistan when bin Laden moved in to the Abbattabad hideout.

Former President George W. Bush, speaking to Former Defense Secretary Donald “The Other Donald” Rumsfeld, Former Vice President Dick Cheney, Former National Security Advisor Condaleeza Rice, and former advisor Karl Rove said “I told you we should have gotten him. But you didn’t listen to me. And I was ‘the Decider.’ ” Rice said “you decided to agree with what we told you, that the Mission was Accomplished.” Rove said “I was your brains, remember?” Rumsfeld said “the outcome has proven to be one of those things that was known to be unknowable.” Cheney, in an undisclosed location, could not be reached for comment. He is believed to be looking for a lawyer to shoot.

* Copyright (c) 2011, XB ColdFingers. This is a work of satire. The only facts known to the author are:
A) On May 1, 2011, Osama bin Laden was killed, shot twice by American Navy Seals on a covert capture or kill mission.
B) The  mission was authorized by President Obama.
C) A helicopter was lost in the mission.
D) In 2005, the CIA turned its attention away from bin Laden.‬
E) The bit on Musharraf, while funny, is not an exaggeration.
F) The bit on Koch, while not funny, is not an exaggeration.

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I’m Proud to be an American Patriot

I am an American patriot. I’m proud to be an American. I know there are some people, they call themselves “Liberals” who see love of country in work to improve my country, and even in what they call “Principled” dissent. Bullshit. The country is perfect. The President knows what to do, and what he’s doing.


Those liberals claim loyalty to the Constitution; “to the law and the rule of law.” My loyalty is to the President, and to the Flag, as long as the President is a Republican. They claim that the President is not above the law. Even during time of war. But they’re wrong. The Commander in Chief must do what he has to do to keep the country safe, whatever that means. And the Constitution was written a long time ago.


And if you don’t count the votes of the Liberals – who shouldn’t be allowed to vote – most of them are communists – George W. Bush won by a landslide.


Liberals say Police and judges must respect the constitutional rights of all citizens. Criminals must be held accountable for their crimes, and society must administer justice with wisdom and compassion.


I say police and judges must respect the rights of all citizens, as long as they don’t commit crimes. Criminals must be held accountable for their crimes, and society must administer justice with vengeance.


I vote. I write my congressmen. I take them to lunch. Sometimes I pay for their fact finding missions to the Caribbean. I contribute to their campaigns. And I tell my employees to give money to their campaigns, especially if they want to keep their jobs.


So what if 1 out of 6 Americans can’t afford health insurance. That means 5 out of 6 Americans CAN afford health insurance. And ones who can’t – they can go to the emergency room. Or just not get sick. Even if they die, the population just gets healthier.


And so what if our brave soldiers putting their lives on the line don’t have enough weapons, body armor, or ammunition. As Rummy said, “You go to war with the Army you have.” That great American patriot, Marie Antionette, would be proud.


Some people have criticized our Commander in Chief for saying “Bring it On” to the terrorists. But remember, he was a cheerleader in college. He was telling the terrorists that they should forget about terrorism and embrace our way of life. They should watch movies like Bring it On. That’s how they should compete in the marketplace of ideas: with dances, short poems, acrobatics, and pom-poms, not with IED’s, roadside bombs and suicide bombs.


And of course we had to “cook the books” to launch the war in Iraq. Saddam was a clear and present danger. I don’t know why, I don’t need to know why. If my Commander in Chief says so, that’s good enough for me. After all, he’s a Republican and we live in a Republic. Besides, that country has 3 or 4 trillion dollars worth of oil. And we need oil. And they don’t need it. They can’t even keep the power on 24 hours a day. Besides, they’re in the middle of a civil war.


I was proud of Tillman when he enlisted, and very moved to learn that he gave his life for his country. I understand that his death was caused by “friendly fire.” I understand that sometimes these things happen, and sometimes for the good of the war effort the real facts have to be covered up and the media “facts” have to be invented and presented as if they were the true facts.


As for the claim that the President had been warned – repeatedly – in January 2001, June, 2001, August, 2001 about Osama Bin Laden, and did nothing, you must remember that these warnings came from Democrats like Bill Clinton and Richard Clarke and the CIA. How were they to be taken seriously? What do Democrats know about national security? What does the CIA really know about what happens in foreign countries?


And as for the communist allegation that we let Bin Laden escape when we had him cornered in Tora Bora back in 2003, we didn’t let him escape; the Afghan’s let him escape. And that was part of our strategy, or what our Great Leader and Commander in Chief calls in French “our stra-teeg-er-ri.” First corner him. Then pay people to “take him out.” Then let him pay the same people to let him go. This teaches them the value of a market economy and our way of life.


We actually won the war in Iraq back in 2003, when President Bush, our Great Leader and Commander in Chief, positioned himself on an Aircraft Carrier in a flight suit, in front of a sign that read “Mission Accomplished.” He was right. Since then our mission has become a “mopping up operation” and an “occupation.” And by “occupation” I mean it’s a job.


Now the President is the Great Leader and the Commander in Chief, and must be obeyed, except when a Damn-ocrat takes the office. Then we have to do what we can to discredit him and throw him out. The glorious crusade by Independent Prosecutor Kenn Starr against the notorious Bill Clinton is an example. Even tho Starr spent years and millions of dollars of taxpayer money in his investigations, and found nothing, until the lurid details of Clinton’s casual affair with an adult woman were revealed, he did the right thing.


Some people feel that it’s somehow wrong for the White House staff to use Republican Party Central Committee computer systems and e-mail systems, and it’s somehow wrong for those e-mails to be unrecoverable when backups are demanded by the hostile revolutionaries in Congress. But it’s national security. We’re at war. That’s it. End of story.


Some people feel that it was wrong for the someone on the White house staff to “leak” the identity of a covert agent of the CIA. And while it is, technically, a “felony”, the fact remains that husband of the “agent” published an “op-ed” piece in the New York Times that criticized the White House.


Some people feel that it was wrong for the White House to fire those prosecutors because they refused to use their office for the good of the Grand Old Party. But they serve at the pleasure of the President. The President makes the decisions. If he says “investigate this guy because he’s a Democrat” or “lay off this guy cause he’s a Republican”, then that’s what the prosecutor should do.


Some people complain the the Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA, is somehow incompetent because it didn’t help those poor old people in New Orleans. But it’s not the job of government to help people. Government is not about helping people. Government is about protecting people and winning the war. The Red Cross helps people. Charities help people. Business makes money helping people, when they can pay for help.


Some people complain when the President drafts “signing statements” detailing how he will interpret a law, or, in some cases, how he doesn’t have to obey a law, or enforce a law. They read somewhere in the Constitution that the Legislative Branch, aka the Congress makes the law, the Executive Branch, aka The President enforces the law, and the Judiciary puts people in jail. It’s not that the President is above the law, it’s that the President makes the law. In other words, the President is the law. And the Constitution is old. Really old. Over 200 years old. Times have changed.


I love my country no matter what, sort of the way my dog “Bushie” loves me, even when I kick her. And even if my country wasn’t great, it would still be perfect.


So I’m proud of my country. Proud to be American. Will I be proud of my country in November, 2008 and January, 2009?


I hope so.

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