New York. Paul Simon was asked to release a new version of “Slip Sliding Away,” to be called “Flip Flopping Today.” The call came from the Giuliani Campaign, and came for the McCain Campaign. Or maybe it came for the Giuliani Campaign but came from the McCain Campaign. Or from the Romney Campaign for Giuliani and McCain. It is not, however, a dirty trick. Each candidate knows that the other guys lack credibility. But they want their party to win, so to be kinder, gentler, and compassionater, the new Republicanistas are trying to help each other. “Flip Flopping Today” applies equally to the three Republican runners up for ‘Panderer-in-Chief’ so whoever wins the GOP nomination next year will be able to use it.
And it’s official, the two wings of the GOP are the “We are Winning in Iraq, and We Will Continue to be Winning Until We Win, Even if it Takes 50 Years” wing,” and the “Faith Based; Believe in the God of Love and Peace and Be Ready to Kill Anyone Who Doesn’t” wing.
Republicanista strategists are also thinking of changing their name. They want to change it from ‘Grand Old Party,’ GOP, to “Grand Obtuse Old Party,” GOOP. It’s a synonym for what they got us into in Iraq. But no one in the party leadership understands the meaning of obtuse. When critics say ‘You’re so obtuse.’ They smile, lean back, and say “Thanks.” Sometimes they say “Well, my daughter’s a lesbian. But she’s a good girl. Wants to be a good wife and mother. It’s those damn liberals. And no, there’s nothing wrong with your boy being a dancer. As long as he’s not a liberal. Look at George W. A cheerleader at Yale for Chris-sake. Maybe we could hook your boy up with my daughter.”
On Larry King Live, Giuliani said “I support a woman’s right to choose but I am against abortion.” Exactly what “woman’s right to choose” is he supporting? A woman’s right to choose her outfit? A woman’s right to choose a bathing suit? Call me a misogynist, but while I support abortion rights, I believe that fat chicks over 55 should not be allowed to wear bikinis or thongs, and should be prohibited from topless beaches.
Giuliani also supports “protecting gays” but not domestic partnerships. Who is he protecting them from? Straight people with baseball bats? “Christians” who want to cure them with drugs and shock therapy? Or guys like Ted Haggard who say “I’m not gay, I just like to ‘study’ gay sex with prostitutes while I do drugs. So I know what I’m up against.” Haggard may not be gay any more, but he’s not gay any less. I agree with Rudy that gay people should have equal protection under the law. But I think that means marriage and domestic partnerships. Look at the bright side. If gay people can get married then they will be able to get divorced. If they get divorced at the same rate that straight people get divorced, then half of the gay marriages will be over almost as soon as they begin.
Giuliani supports gun control in cities like New York but not places like Texas. Doesn’t he know that as more Texans get guns, more Texans will kill each other with those guns? Or is that his point?
Romney used to be “Pro-Choice.” Today he’s “pro-choice” in the Blue states and “anti-women” in Dixie. McCain used to ride the “straight-talk” express. Now he panders to the Evangelicals. He was against the use of torture until Cheney invited him on a hunting trip. That Cheney can be mighty persuasive.
Giuliani on Larry King Live: http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/02/14/giuliani.lkl/index.htm
Romney on abortion: Committed to safe legal abortion, except when running for office.