Welcome to the Academy for Political Theatrics and welcome to the October Surprise Awards. The nominees are: Ashley Todd, Schlesselman and Cowart, General Colin Powell, and Senator Ted Stevens.
Our first nominee is Ashley Todd, a young McCain staffer from Texas. Ms. Todd, a paid Organizer for the College Republicans, was on the ground in Pittsburgh, PA. Pittsburgh is not known for the racial tensions McCain and Palin so desperately want to exploit. So what did Ashley do? She faked a racial incident. Ashley drew a letter “B” on her cheek, then claimed to have been assaulted by “a large angry man.” The police suspected a hoax because the “B” was drawn backwards, as if in a mirror, and the scratches were very light; not likely the work of a “large angry man.” Ms. Todd, also known as the Texas Tawana, in honor of her role model, Tawana Brawley, admitted that the attack was a hoax. While the desperation in the McCain Campaign is surprising, while their win at all costs mindset bodes ill for efforts to end the war in Iraq, the utter disdain with which the public, the mainstream media, and even Fox News has treated Ms Todd restores our faith in society. Ms. Todd could not be reached for comment. However we are confident that a member of our team, a 6 foot 3 inch former basketball player will be able to pin her down.
The second nominees are Paul Schlesselman and Daniel Cowart, the neo-Nazis who allegedly planned to kill Senator Obama and 88 African Americans. Fortunately, they were arrested before they could kill anyone. An affidavit from a federal agent says they devised a plot to kill 88 people — shooting 74 and beheading 14. As far as we know, the McCain campaign is not connected to these two alleged psychopaths. However, the rhetoric emanating from the McCain campaign, beginning with the Republican Convention in August, can only be described as disrespectful and incendiary. Congressman Lewis was right. The genie is out of the bottle.
The next nominee is Colin Powell, the retired General and former Secretary of State who joined 50 or 60 prominent conservative Republicans in endorsing Senator Obama for President. However, it must be noted that for a Conservative to act in a conservative manner and exercise good judgment is not a surprise. It’s not common these days, but it’s not a surprise.
The final nominee in the “October Surprise” competition is Alaska Senator Ted Stevens. Stevens, a convicted felon, has refused calls from Senator McCain to quit his campaign “for the good of the G.O.P.”
And the Winner is: “Uncle Ted” Stevens of Alaska. Convicted for corruption, Stevens is awaiting sentencing and continuing his campaign. McCain has urged him to drop out of the race, and Palin – herself found guilty of abuse of power – has also urged him to drop out of the race. But Stevens soldiers on. Will the President issue a pardon? Will Alaskans send him back to Congress? Will his conviction give Democrat Mark Begich a seat in the United States Senate? Will it help Obama become President? We don’t know – that’s why it’s “The October Surprise.” We will know soon. But we know this today: when Republicans say “My friends, I stand on my convictions.” we don’t know whether they are referring to their principles, or to their convictions for high crimes and misdemeanors.
* This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to the facts is tragic.