On June 23, 1990, when he was in college, Paul Ryan ran “Grandma’s Marathon,” in Duluth, Minnesota, completed the 26.25 mile race in 4 hours 1 minute and 25 seconds. He took 1990th place.( Runners World / Article / Race Stats )
I’ve never run a marathon, and I think it’s a tremendous accomplishment. If I ran several, I think I’d cite my best time and the number of marathons I ran. If I only ran one – and there are no records of Paul Ryan running other marathons – I think I’d remember my time, even after 20 years. If I did it in 4 hours, 1 minute, and 25 seconds, I might say “I ran the marathon in 4 hours.” And I’d only use the term “Personal Best” if I had run more than one. Because if you’ve only run one race, then your personal best is also your personal worst.
On a broadcast interview on the Hugh Hewitt show, on August 22, 2012 (description / transcript), Ryan claimed his “Personal Best” was “Under three, high twos. I had a two hour and fifty-something.” That’s a huge difference from “I ran the marathon once in four hours.”
What does this say about Paul Ryan’s character?
I think it speaks volumes and none of it good.
New Yorker / Daily News / Opposing Views / Politico
Top 10 reasons why I’d love Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan, if only,
- I’d love Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan if only I was a money manager who spent each day considering whether I should sell my holdings in Apple, Ford, or IBM or speculate on Cree, Lighting Sciences, and Solazyme. Then I’d want low capital gains taxes, (except I’d be concerned that people needed jobs to buy the stuff my companies designed or manufactured).
- If only, like Donald Trump, I was a real estate investor and pocketed a few million each time one of my buildings went bankrupt but the banks didn’t want them so they forgave part of the debt, or I simply owned a few buildings and lived off rents (except I’d be concerned that people needed jobs to pay the rent). (click, click, click & click)
- If only I was a real estate shark and I made money buying, fixing, and selling foreclosed properties from banks (except I’d be concerned that people I’d sell to needed jobs to be in a position to buy).
- If only, like Sheldon Adelson, I owned casinos outside the U.S. and was in trouble with the SEC, IRS, and DoJ over the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act over alleged bribes paid to develop them (except I’d still be worried that some low level bureaurocrat wanted to “bring me to justice”). (click, click, click)
- If only, like some friends of Chris Christie, I owned a private, for-profit prison, half-way house, hospital, school, or other company that performed a government function and could help claim to shrink government by paying less educated or uneducated and less qualified or unqualified people minimum wage to do the work of skilled and trained people. And anyway, why should we educate the next generation? They’re just going to be buying crap made in China. (click)
- If only I owned my own private island and truly didn’t interact w the outside world (except I’d be concerned about radioactive waste from Fukushima and US plants, fallout from French nuclear weapons testing, pollution from China, mercury in fish from coal plants, plastics in the oceans, and rising sea levels).
- If only, like the Charles Koch, David Koch, Boone Pickins, I owned coal mines, coal plants, oil wells, refineries, frakking wells, or nuclear plants, or owned interests in companies like Halliburton, and I didn’t go to the beach, didn’t eat fish, and I didn’t care that “Drill Baby, Drill” and “Burn Baby, Burn” means “Sweat Baby, Sweat,” “Swim Baby, Swim,” and ultimately, “Drown Baby, Drown.” (And I can’t charge you for sunlight.)
- If only I owned gun shops or gun and ammunition companies and lived in a gated community, and never went to movies, didn’t have children or grandchildren in or someday to go to college, and didn’t go to meetings w my Reps in the House or Senate, or I, myself, lived in a state with reasonable restrictions on gun acquisition and gun ownership. (Why is it that we are not allowed to shout “Fire” in a crowded theater but are allowed to open fire in a crowded theater?)
- If only the women I care about didn’t need birth control or other medical care, and if I never needed doctors or nurses, because anyone who becomes a doctor, nurse, therapist, or other medical practicioner needs an education. … BUT
- I’d really love Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan if only I was a comedian or writer working for Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live or Rupert Murdoch and the Faux News crew.
Copy Left (CL) 2012, XB Cold Fingers. Ownership Rights Reserved. Feel free to pass it along. This is a work of satire. But while it may be speculative, it’s not fiction. Look for this and my other observations on Cultural Forensics and my YouTube Channel, XB New Music.
The loss of Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump leaves Republicans Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, Michelle Bachmann, Chris Christie, Herman Cain, and Ron Paul in the race to lose to Obama. On the Democratic side, Russ Feingold has indicated that he will challenge President Obama. Dennis Kuchinich is also said to be contemplating a run for the White House. Martha Coakley, who recently lost her bid to represent Massachusetts in the United States Senate, is also planning on registering as a candidate. She is not, however, planning on running an actual campaign.
The Democrats are planning Primary Debates in the historic Fraunces Tavern, in New York City, and the Green Dragon Tavern, in Boston, Mass. These are symbolic: a victorious General George Washingon said farewell to his troops, at Fraunces Tavern, and was inaugurated a block or two north, on the balcony of Federal Hall, on the Corner of Wall and Broad Streets, in 1789. (click). John Adams, Sam Adams, Paul Revere, and other Sons of Liberty ate, drank, and planned the Revolution at the Green Dragon. Before, after, or during their debates, someone, somewhere will say, “A black man, a Jew and a Pollack walk into a bar. The bartender asks ‘What’ll ya have?’ The African American says ‘Oval Office, straight up.’ The bartender replies ‘It’s on the rocks.’ The Jew and the Pollack say ‘We’ll have what he’s having.’ The bartender says, ‘I can only serve one every four years, and he has dibs.’ “
In a move that may disappoint social Conservatives, Mike Huckabee, Republican Governor turned Fox News commentator / entertainer announced that he is not running against President Obama in 2012. “I lost to McCain in 2008, I don’t want to lose to Obama in 2012. Maybe I’ll run in 2016. I should be able to beat Biden. And I’m making $2 Million at Fox. Why give that up?” Like most of the Republicans, he spends most of his time pandering to the far right and groveling to would-be kingmakers. But when he is candid and honest; he’s refreshing and almost charismatic. Like Pres. Reagan, who raised taxes 11 times over the course of his Presidency, Huckabee, as Arkansas’ Governor, raised taxes to pay for schools. He also referred to the “Club of Growth” as the “Club of Greed.” Conservative kingmaker Grover Norquist seeks to apply to the United States the “Starve the Beast” tactic, a variation of the “Feed it till it Bursts” tactic Reagan applied to the Soviet Union. This has resulted in a terrible loss of infrastructure in the United States as our roads are full of potholes, bridges are crumbling, schools are declining and as the Europeans, and Chinese are pulling ahead in manufacturing, solar power, wind power, and railroads.
Donald “The Donald” Trump, the real estate mogul from New York City, in a move that was sure to disappoint comedians, also bowed out of the race. Despite giving more support to Democrats than Republicans while George Bush was President and Republicans had a majority in both the House and the Senate, Trump was talking about running as a Republican and was proud of his major accomplishments: inheriting a fortune, going bankrupt once or twice, marrying three models, divorcing two, firing people on television, hiring people to write trivial books about Donald Trump, and demanding that President Obama ask Hawaiian authorities to release his birth certificate. As profoundly important as these accomplishments may be, “The Donald” appears to believe that he was trumped by the President’s recent accomplishment – authorizing the successful “Capture or Kill” mission against Osama bin Laden, which resulted in bin Laden’s death and the capture of a treasure trove of information, albeit with the loss of one American helicopter. Trump will return to what he does best, firing people and boasting.
Disappointing both her supporters and the comedians, Sarah Palin has been strangely quiet. This is particularly upsetting to Tina Fey and the writers and producers of Saturday Night Live. Palin’s last known public statement, that former President Bush deserves credit for the mission President Obama authorized that killed bin Laden, can only be described as a “gift” to comedians and “baffling” to rational people.
That leaves Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, Michelle Bachmann, Chris Christie, Herman Cain, and Ron Paul.Newt Gingrich, the 69 year old former Congressman, college professor, and intellectual, who married and divorced as often as Trump, but who did not marry models, is eminently qualified to work with John Boehner and Paul Ryan as they work to end Medicare, privatize Social Security, and dismantle the government. Gingrich is committed to, as Seth Meyers put it, “stop using my tax dollars to take care of me.” As the force behind the 1994 “Contract On America,” Gingrich is credited with shutting down the U. S. government, and helping Bill Clinton’s 1996 re-election. Maybe Gingrich’s real goal is to help Obama win re-election and thereby pave the way for a Republican to lose a challenge to Joe Biden in 2016. Gingrich, who began his campaign with a Twitter note and a Youtube video, wants to hook up with young people. Depending on the age of the young people he hooks up with, Gingrich could be looking at charges of statutory rape, or just being creepy.
However, by describing the Paul Ryan budget as “Radical” and “Right wing social engineering” Gingrich, while telling the truth, may have shot his campaign in the foot. (click). What the Republican and Tea Party rank and file seem to have just found out, is that the people funding the GOP and the Tea Party LIKE Radical right wing social engineering.
Mitt Romney, the former governor of Massachusetts, looks to this self-styled pundit as the putative Republican front-runner in the campaign to lose the election of 2012. While Romney opposed the Cape Wind offshore wind farm that will generate electricity without pollution, he can honestly be credited with passing the Massachusetts Health Care Plan, also known as Obama-Care 1.0. (click). Voters, however, will have to ask themselves “why elect a moderately liberal Republican like Romney when they can elect a moderately liberal Democrat like Obama.
Tim Hosni Pawlenty is an American of Polish and German, not middle-eastern origin. While he can count on the support of Hosni Mubarek, and Republicans of middle eastern-origin, he probably cannot count on the support of Democrats or independents of middle-eastern origin.
Michelle Bachmann, stepping in to fill the void left by Sarah Palin, aspires to be the next hot middle aged babe on the Republican ticket. It really doesn’t matter what she says, as long as she smiles appropriately. This is terrific news for Saturday Night Live. Sources tell us that Kristen Weig is rehearsing echoing platitudes, staring into space and looking away from the camera.
Disappointing Republicans, Democrats, Independents, and Progressives in New Jersey, Chris Christie is steadfast and adamant that he is not running, yet. “I wish he’d run,” said a gay, Vegan, tree-hugging community organizer, on the condition of anonymity, “it would limit the damage he’d do here in Jersey.”
Herman Cain, the Pizza Guy, one of about 1.1 million African Americans in the 55 million strong Republican Party, said, “Hey, I know I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of beating Obama. And I don’t know if I want to. He’s doing a good job, and all those black kids look up to him. But can you imagine how many pizzas I’m gonna sell with this? Do you have any idea of the Return On Investment of this ‘candidacy’? Man, it’s huge. Huge! And I’m talking to Murdoch about my own reality show. We’ll call it ‘Pizza Man’ or ‘President? or Pizza Man?’ or Pizza Man President! I’ll get Eddie Murphy to play me.”
Ron Paul, the uncompromising libertarian physician turned Congressman, who’s medical practice was devoted to Medicare patients, wants to legalize all drugs, including marijuana, cocaine, LSD and heroin, and eliminate all government programs, including education, research, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, NASA, NOAA, the ATF, the IRS, the CIA, the NSA, the FBI, and the Defense Department. “Fergit the 1950’s, we need to return to the 1850’s,” he said. When it was pointed out that the US in 1850 had about 23 million people, and about 3.2 million were slaves, the wiley Texan said “Yep, so, what’s yer point? I mean, we’re all slaves to our hearts and our debts.”
Copyright © 2011. Larry “XB Cold Fingers” Furman. This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to the facts is tragic, or hilarious. I report. Or I make it up. You decide.